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Good news! I got a paper back from my EDSP413 class and got a 95 on it! That brings my grade from a 62% to a 77%! I may actually get an A after all! :)

I went to a farewell party tonight for my friend Robby. He's moving to Boston next week and I can honestly say that I'm going to miss him. We used to be really good friends back when I was in high school/early parts of college. He never judged me and was there for me through some tough times. Regardless though, I think moving would be good for him. He needs a change of scenery. I hope everything goes well for him! =)

I neglected to mention in my prior post that I was at one point (for a short period of time) a social person. I used to want to go to parties all the time (but for the wrong reasons), I wouldn't study EVER for any of my classes (assuming I even went to class. I had a bad habit of never going to class). I was just, in general, an irresponsible adolescent. While most people would say that they were much happier once they got a social life, I was miserable when I was more social. I constantly worried about fitting in/conforming to be someone I'm not. I didn't have any real friends, just a lot of acquaintances that I for some god forsaken reason called friends. I was always depressed and tried to hide it behind a fake smile. In regards to guys, I would have small relationships here and there, but I was always stuck in the friend category. Overall, I was just miserable. After several years of trying to fit in and being an actress in my own life, I gave up. Several years of being used by guys, and lied to by "friends," and failing miserably with everything I did, I just gave up. I don't think I hit an all time low, but I was close to it.

This lasted for several years. I became a little more social summer 2005 because I had a "boyfriend" and a close-knit group of "friends." All of this, of course, came crashing down when that "boyfriend" got his fix and left. And with "friends" like the ones I had (with a few exceptions of course), they weren't supportive at all. They all had boyfriends and would flaunt it all the time. I don't think I had ever felt so left out and so alone in my life than I did that fall (with the exception of when I first moved to AACo).

You know how they say that the day you truly "give up on love" will be the day that you will meet your true love? I guess you could say it kinda happened that way. It was not a Cinderella story or a Prince Charming rescue--it was just a casual meeting up for coffee "date" between 2 friends that hadn't talked/seen each other in years.

It was the first day of the Spring 2006 semester (January 18th) and I had finally had the guts to tell my ex (the one who "got his fix and left") to stop harassing me and leave me alone. He would call me all the time and talk trash about me behind my back to my "friends." After I slammed my phone on the passenger seat of my then VW Jetta Station Wagon, (yeah, I drove a shaggin-wagon, even though none of that happened in that car!), I swore that I was giving up on love and relationships and that I was going to be a recluse and focus on school. I knew that I was going to meet up with an old friend (Chris) for coffee to catch up, so I decided that after that, I was going to go home and try to completely change my life (getting rid of things that I considered an unnecessary burden). Sure enough, When I walked through those doors to that Starbucks, my stomach decided to turn inside out and all those feelings I had for him back when we were younger just came running ahead. We hugged, we talked, I had a Gingerbread Latte (YUM!), and we just generally enjoyed each others company. After that, we went our separate ways and chatted on AIM later that night. I remember telling my friend Elliott, who is a mutual friend of ours, that my feelings were coming back for Chris and that I was afraid that I was going to get my heart broken again (little did I know, Chris was apparently talking to Elliott about the same thing!). Chris knew that I was still a little "damaged" from my previous relationships, but apparently was up for the challenge (hah).

I remember having a few AIM conversations where we'd try to arrange to meet up again and I felt like I might be coming down with another sinus infection (this was shortly after my 2nd sinus surgery in 2005). We were originally going to call it off because he didn't want me to go out if I wasn't feeling well. I remember telling him how I was really looking forward to "hanging out" with him again and that apparently he did too! We didn't end up canceling our "date" because I was feeling better. So, about a week or so after our first meet up, I got all dressed up and tried to look nice (and I even wore perfume! haha) in the hopes of impressing Chris (I wasn't expecting anything to happen because I figured that I was going to screw things up again like I usually did with guys). We met up at the Starbucks again and then we drove to a Barnes and Nobles (I think) in Annapolis and we HELD HANDS!! It was crazy! We were supposed to meet up with some of my friends to go galaxy bowling (who, btw, never showed up or answered any of my calls) so we went to the bowling alley and waited for my friends to call. It was January, so it was cold out. I went and sat in his car and we just talked for a little while. I told him that I was still cold so he put his arm around me (smooth) and turned up the heat a little more. We still continued to talk until we got to the topic of when and why we stopped talking to each other for so many years. My heart started to race and I got really nervous. He looked me in the eyes and asked me if I was okay. I responded "yeah. I'm fine" and I leaned in for a kiss. IT WAS AMAZING! It wasn't the most of romantic settings (the parking lot of a bowling alley at night with a bunch of drunk people running around) but for that moment, I didn't care what else was happening around me. After wards, I pulled away thinking that I had just made a huge mistake, but I was very very wrong. He had a smile on his face and just hugged me. I was still scared, but I felt a little more relieved. Finally, after about 2 hours of waiting for my friends to show up/call me, we decided to head back to my house and watch a movie or two together to pass the time. Of course, we weren't really paying much attention to the movies and more to each other. After a few hours, he asked me "is this something you want to pursue?" and I smiled and said "yes!"

Ever since, we've been together. We've had our ups and downs (mostly because of me because of illness and drama with my family), but we've worked through them. Love is not a fairytale--it doesn't just happen over night and it certainly does not happen with your first love. I had to have a lot of heartache before I could ever experience true love. It's not always smiles and sunny days; we've had our share rain storms and tears, but we've made it through the worst part of the storm. We've had a few times where we were on the verge of breaking up, but some how, we've been able to stay together, each time growing stronger and stronger as a couple.

I got a little off topic there, but my point was that I was miserable trying to be something that I was not. Going to parties (the few that I went to) and being social only made me feel worse. After Chris came back into my life, he helped me realize that there was more to life than trying to be like everyone else. The only regret I have is that it took me 19 years before I could learn to be myself and understand what my real priorities are/should be. Now I focus mostly on school and my health (both of which are kind of important). Chris is there to support me every step of the way, along with the few friends that I have left. I have a best friend who has never stopped believing in me after being friends with her for my entire life! I got into my dream school and am doing very well because of my hard work and efforts on my studies. I dress kind of funny, am relatively socially awkward, laugh at stupid and perverted things, I listen to weird music, and I read Gray's Anatomy for leisure, and I couldn't be happier!
I cannot believe that O'Malley wants to allow illegal immigrants to go to college for free and everyone else who was BORN here in the US have to work 3-4 jobs just so that they can pay for tuition. Bull-fucking-shit. I might be a democrat, but I DO NOT agree with Mr. O'Malley on this one!

In-State Tuition for Illegal ImmigrantsCollapse )

While I'm all for diversity and people coming to America, I don't appreciate the fact that people are too goddamn lazy and/or impatient to wait for citizenship so they can come here LEGALLY to become educated. Chris had/has to work 2-3 jobs just so that he could pay for 1 semester at UMCP (which is about $4k a semester) and books! It's not fair that our tax dollars are going to people who are breaking the law! (Yes, while I understand that our money also goes towards the state and federal penitentiaries, this is completely different).

I posted this publicly so that I could get some feedback about what other people think. I don't really care if you called me "closed-minded" because you believe differently. But try to see things from other points of view; if you're going to come into the country illegally, don't expect us to pay for your ass to get higher education when there are people who can barely/can't afford to go to college, all the while you get praise for being here illegally. Get a visa or green card or something and then consider getting an education!

Oct. 25th, 2005

People Cut. :)


New journal. New Start!

My old journal was posrpunk69

However, I must inform you that this journal is FRIENDS ONLY!!! Which means that if you're not on my list, you can't read a majority of my entries.

If you were on my old journal's friends list, you will be on this one as well. So don't worry. :)